Lord Voldemort Has Really Bad Luck: And Issues
by SarahBearX
Summary: Instead of Harry ruining Voldy's reputation...he decides to ruin all of the Death Eaters' and Voldy is at the top of the list.
1. Lord Voldie Gives A Kid A Marshamallow?

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, except all the books and one DVD, anything else...well no.**

Lord Voldemort, The World's Most Feared Dark Lord, and the man-who-has-a-huge-meglomanical-problem, was sitting in his chair **_utterly_** **_bored_**.

Bored. You wouldn't normally associate the word bored with the most feared person in existence, but today I did. You see, all of his Death Eaters were on vacation having the time of their lives doing Merlin knows what, and he was stuck in his little throne room staring at the opposite wall. He was having so fun in fact, that he noticed that he had 345 cracks on the walls, 46 holes beside them, and that his walls **_severly_** lacked in color. Well...I guess he'd just to have to sit and wait for his DE's to return...oh the boredom...

Harry Potter stared at his ceiling, **_utterly bored_**. He could hear the Dursley's downstairs talking loudly about a camping trip they were going on today...they were talking loudly to hope to get him jealous so that he would come downstairs and beg to go, that way they could tell him with utter glee that no he couldn't. 'Bastards' he thought before tuning them out.

Several minutes later, there was no sound whatsoever from the house. Harry cautiously opened the door and peered out in the hallway. Still no noise. Breathing in and out somewhat irregularly, he stepped outside and went into Dudley's bedroom.

Inside, there was a computer sitting, somewhat precariously on a cluttered desk. Harry quickly went over to it, and sat down in the chair directly in front of it. He started it up and waited impatiently for it load. Once it did, he clicked on the User Name: H.J.P. He typed in his password and waited (again impatiently) for it load. Once it did, he went to OpenOffice 2.0.1 and opened up the word document entitled: Lord Voldemort's Demise Through Newspapers. Harry grinned evilly.

Lord Voldemort shuddered from some unexpected feeling of dread. Whatever it was, it was planning to harm him...and he didn't have clue as to what it would be until tomorrow morning...

Harry's evil grin stayed plastered to his face as he typed. Several hours later he was done typing and went downstairs for some food. He started opening the cabinets, because, frankly, he wasn't sure what he wanted to eat right then. When he opened the last cabinet, a big plastic bag of marshmallows fell out. Harry's emerald green eyes crinkled slightly, before another evil grin stained his lips.

Lord Voldemort suddenly shot out of his chair as lightening crashed right outside his window. He shuddered again. That creepy feeling was at an all time high...

Harry grinned to himself in the mirror. The image in the mirror wasn't Harry Potter at all...it was Lord Voldemort. You must be thinking that Lord Voldemort was standing behind him or something similiar right? Wrong. Harry Potter had transfigured himself into the Dark Lord himself. Why? Oh that was easy enough...

Harry Pott----Er...I mean Lord Voldemort apparated straight into Diagon Alley. Several people looked at him and shrieked like banshees making everyone else turn their heads. Horrified glances kept well...glancing at him, and as he walked through the little Wizarding town thing, people practically threw themselves to the side to get out of his way. One little boy wasn't fast enough...and landed smack dab on the ground right in front of Lord Voldemort-Harry Potter thing. People gasped loudly and wondered what he was going to do the poor soul...

Harry grinned, and reached inside his robes. Women and men alike shrieked. The parents, he assumed, came running up to him, begging and pleading not to hurt their little boy. The Dark Lord merely raised an eyebrow, before retracting his hand...more gasps ensued...only to come out of his robes with a...bag of marshmallows. He bent down to the little boy and said: "Would you like a marshmallow?" Several people fainted from shock, and took all of Harry's self control not to laugh out loud at their flightliness. The little boy glanced up at him, and Harry smiled kindly. The little boy took one and ran away with his mother and father.

Laughing manicially, or as best as he could laugh evilly, Harry apparated back to the Dursley's house, leaving the occupants in Diagon Alley in shock.

The next morning dawned bright and early, to a groaning Dark Lord who did **_NOT_** like mornings. He despised them even more than he did Harry Potter, and **_THAT'S _**saying something...well he still wanted to kill the insufferable brat, but he couldn't kill mornings. Besides, he mused, Dark Lord's needed all the time they can have to plot evil things.

He looked up as a sharp tap at his window indicated the arrival of the Daily Prophet. He bit back a groan. They were probably calling Potter a brat again...which he **_WAS_** mind you, but it got annoying when he wasn't calling the brat...a brat.

He got up and opened the window and watched as the bird swooped down onto the table in the middle of the room and dropped the paper, before leaving through the same window that still---closed? Yep, the bird smacked the window. Tommy Boy chuckled evilly, before opening the window. The bird made to fly out, but before it did, it smacked Tommy Man in the forehead with hits head and flew out of the room at top speed.

Lord Voldemort blinked. He blinked again. He blinked thrice. Did a bird just **_headbutt_** him? He rubbed the place where the bird hit and growled. This was not starting out to be a good day for our favorite little Evil Half-Blood Bastard.

And that only confirmed his slient theory when he read the headline from The Daily Prophet.

**He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named Caught Handing Out Marshmallow To Kid**

_You-Know-Who was seen yesterday as he apparated directly into the heart of the Diagon Alley. Pandemonium erupted...because well...it's Lord Voldemort...SHIT I didn't just write that...I didn't just curse in a newspaper either...oh crap I'm gonna get fired...oh well...might as well finish the article before I get thrown out._

_People were screaming and running away from the Supreme Lord of Darkness when a kid tripped and landed smack dab in front of him. Of course the parents being the idiots that they are tried begging and pleading not to kill their son, and you know what LORD VOLDEMORT did? He took out a bag of marshmallows and offered the kid one!_

_The question we should ask is: Is he crazy insane, or insane crazy?_

_Hopefully I have more articles to type up after this,_

_Jeff Blatt_

The **_REAL_** Lord Voldemort stared at the article. And stared...before: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Harry Potter grinned wolfishly to himself as he retitled the OpenOffice 2.0 1 Document to: 101 Ways To Ruin Lord Voldemort's Reputation.

**AN: I hope you enjoyed this! Please leave a review...there very much appreciated: )**


	2. VoldyMan Changes His Name?

Lord Voldemort, the scariest, most feared evil bastard in existence just stared at the Daily Prophet pure, unadultered rage, and horror in his eyes.

**Lord Voldemort Wants To Change His Name?**

_Today, it seems that Lord Voldem---I mean the Dark Lord of Evil has apparently decided to change his name. Why? Hell if this reporter knows...I just report...stuff...and...yeah...back to the article._

_It looks as if the Dark Lord has sent some kind of list of names to the Daily Prophet this morning, and on it were some...very, very, very strange names on the paper...this reporter is really starting to wonder if we're supposed to be scared of an evil meglomaniacal bastard who wants to change his name to Rainbow Bright...not really...and apparently the rest of the world is agreeing with me._

_Here is the list of names that Lord Volde---screw it! Lord Voldemort wants to change his name to, but can't decide which one he wants...the names on this list ARE real, and were REALLY sent in this morning._

_1. WhirpleBooply_

_2. Poptart_

_3. Fruitcake_

_4. Rainbow Bright_

_5. Voodletort_

_6. Voldamarty_

_7. Vodkamart_

_8. Noodlewart_

_And with these names came slogans. I found them quite hilarious. And I'm sure after you've read this, you will to._

_" I'm scared of babies." "Why am I taking over the world again? Oh yeah...to get more marshmallows to starving children." "I think the Death Eaters need a new name...how about the Poptart Gang?" _

_" I really don't wanna hurt people...**Really**." " I'm comfortable being called insane and crazy...after all that's the prerequisite for being Dark and Disturbed." _

_I'm afraid the list goes on, but me being the smart reporter that I am, I will NOT add anymore...I do not wish to get killed...yet...anyhow._

_This reporter is seriously considering voting for a new Dark Lord,_

_Jeff Blatt_

After Voldemort read the front page he screamed in rage and started trashing everything available. He only knew of someone who could do this to him...the very bane of existence...THE TOASTER! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN! "DAMN YOU! I'LL CURSE YOU TO THE NEXT DIMENSION!"

Far Up Above In Heaven, a man wearing tight blue and white spandex with flaming textured hair glared down at the so-called new evil in the world.

"THAT'S MY LINE YOU FOOL! NO ONE SHALL STEAL THE LINE FROM THE PRINCE OF ALL SAIYANS!"

Down Below With The Idiot Who Calls HImself Evil, shuddered slightly. Okay, so now he would have to make a new catchphrase...Damn it. The life of Darkness was never as easy as it sounded.

Harry Potter grinned another evil little smile that could quite possibly rival Vold---uhm...what's his name again? Vodkamart? Yeah, that was it. Anyway, Potter was smiling evilly. After successfully hearing the thoughts of Lord Vodkamart, Harry decided that his next job would be to make a new catchphrase for his favorite little Dark Lord...this was so FUN!


	3. Lord VMans New Catchphrase

I do not own anything. Well...except for the funny things I say...

Lord Voldy-Man was not having a good day. No really. The Supreme Lord of Poptarts was having a hard time trying to think of a new catchphrase...and was not having the best of luck since he was consulting with **Harry Potter **of**_ all _**people!

'Potter?' No answer. 'Potter!' Lord-Someone-Who-Needs-To-Decide-What-His-Name-Will-Be did not have the patience to deal with the brat right now and was quickly growing agitated.

'POTTER!' 'Yes, your humble Lord of Darkness?' A sarcastic reply echoed within his mind. Vodka man growled. 'Shut up Potter and help me.' It was an order...oh how nice. Harry grinned. He knew exactly what the Wart wanted. 'And what do you need my esteemed services for oh Mighty Evil One?' He asked sarcasticly. Lord Noodle was beginning to get really **_angry_**. Oh the horror. Notrice the **sarcasm**. 'I need you help me think of a new catchphrase because my minds totally blank...' 'How do you think of elaboratly brilliant plans to capture and/or kill me and yet you can't think of a simple sentence?' '...SHUT UP!' Harry's infuriating laugh echoed within his mind. 'You know what? Forget it.' 'Your choice Voldy-Man.' Harry said and then faded from the The Alcohol Man's mind. Lord Voldie-Poptart-Gang-Leader quickly grew tired and decided that maybe some sleep could help him find a new catchphrase... He might go to sleep, but not wake up until the Daily Prophet smacked him in the head thanks to the same bird that previously headbutted him...

**Lord Voldemort Has A New Catchphrase?**

_Yesterday, an anonymous tip from a shady lookin character in Knockturn Alley gave us a scoop we couldn't afford to pass up, even if we wanted to. Anyway, this mysterious stranger told us that Lord Wartyness needed a new catchphrase. We here at the Daily Prophet mean no offense when we say: WHAT IN THE NINE NAMES OF HELL WERE YOU ON YOU DECIDED ON THIS! _

_Anyway, Lord-What's-His-Name's new catchphrase is: I love Muggles. And Ponies. And Babies. And Ramen. And Anime. And Nine-tailed Fox Demons named Kyuubi. And Marshmallows. And MY Poptart Gang. _

_Seriously, I think we need a new resident evil bastard to kill people. Simple as that. We should ask Minister Fudge if we can have an election on who thinks they're the most evil and then pick one. SOMEBODY HAS GOT TO BE MORE EVIL THEN A PERSON WHO CAN'T EVEN KILL A BABY FOR MERLIN'S SAKE!_

_But then again, our resident Dark Bastard seems to have a problem in dealing with small children,_

_Jeff Blatt_

Lord Ramen-Who-Watches-Naruto-Too-Much simply stared at the paper, not moving, not blinking, and not breathing.

Perhaps suicide REALLY WAS the answer to his problems...

Far, far away in a galaxy far, far----erm...wrong story. Far, far away in a town far, far away, Harry Potter gave an all out, heartfelt MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! because he was slowly killing Vildy's reputation...and it was the most funnest thing he was doing to date.


	4. U Can't Touch This

_**AN: I am very sorry for the lack of updates, my creative muse left me for awhile and I am very sorry for those of you who were waiting anxiously for this to be updated...well in a chance to redeem myself I have uploaded this funny chapters, and remember: REVIEWS FEED MY MUSE! feed my muse and you get chapters!**_

_**(Break)**_

_Harry Potter grinned as he read the next number on the list of Voldie-Man's demise...through a newspaper...which was going so well. _

_Harry was on the computer updating his list when Windows Media Player popped up and the song **U Can't Touch This** by **M.C. Hammer** started playing. Harry started to laugh at it then, but suddenly got a good idea..._

_(Break)_

_The Lord of Toaster Strudels, more commonly reffered to as the Dark Lord or the Bastard-With-Too-Many-Hyphens-In-His-Name, was sitting in his little throne-like chair while watching his Death Eaters with a piercing glare. Many of them shifted uncomfortably._

_"Your all probably wondering why I have summoned you here." Several of the Death Eaters nodded, but stopped when Voldemort continued to talk. "I have summoned you here because I need your assistance." Many of the Junior Death Eaters perked up at this. Snape rolled his eyes underneath his mask. What idiots. _

_Before Voldemort could elaborate on just what he needed help with, a DE came in, (very late), with a dark blue package in his hands. It was a box, a very large box. _

_Voldy quirked a non-existant eyebrow...(does he have eyebrows?)...anyway, he quirked an invisible eyebrow and allowed the DE with the large box to step forward, without harm...yet._

_"M-My Lord...I found this in the Apparating Room...-----" "That still doesn't explain why your so late Dolohov." Voldy cut it him off with a fierce glare. Dolohov paled dramatically (a little to dramatically), and stuttered out an excuse. "W-Well, I-I was s-s-sleeping...a-and---" "You were SLEEPING?" Toaster Strudel roared, and Dolohov flinched violently. "Y-Yes...My Lord..." "Dolohov...just bring me the damn box. Your punishment will be decided later." "Yes...M-My L-Lord..." Dolohov did what was asked of him and brought the navy colored cardboard box to his Lord. He set it down quickly before getting in place inbetween Avery and Bellatrix. Bella gave him a nasty glare, while Avery grinned sadisticly at the thought of Dolohov being tortured. _

_Voldemort looked at the box, and read the little note attached to it. "Open if you dare." Is what it read. Being the fearless little serpent he is, our fave Dark Bastard opened the box, not heeding the note. _

_Suddenly and without warning, a muggle radio flew out, and attached itself to the wall socket. Then music started playing. At first it was something reminscent of **Anakin's Betrayal **in **Star Wars III**. But then **M.C. Hammer's U Can't Touch** **This** started playing, and everytime Voldy would curse it, it would get louder and louder, telling him that it had gotten tampered with. _

_Voldy couldn't take it anymore, and ran away to his Chamber's screaming about evil little teenage boys who wouldn't have the grace to die. The Death Eaters just stood there in shock. Before they erupted into a fit of outrageous laughter. Even Snape. (liek OMG!). "SHUT UP!" Voldy-Man's voice filtered through the castle, fortress thingymajigg. The Death Eaters stopped for a minute. Then started laughing all over again._

_No one noticed the little recording camera attached to the top of the radio...which got everything._

_(Break)_

_Several days later, Snape, Lucius, and Bella went shopping for groceries for the DE's. (what? they eat to you know). Because it was plainfully obvious that Voldy couldn't waltz out in the opening, (especially after the marshmallow incident.) to get his food. _

_Snape had the list while Lucius grabbed tons and tons of tiny boxes with pocky in it. Bella had grubbed gummy bears. She loved those things. Snape sighed and grabbed the stuff. They each had their back turned searching and grabbing the items they wanted or needed. They never saw the tiny house elf drop a video cassette tape into the cart and then apparate away with no sound..._

_(Break)_

_When they got back, everybody was waiting to see what they got. Dolohov noticed the cassette tape and picked it up. "Did you guys buy a horror movie?" Snape, Bella, and Malfoy all looked up and stared at it. "No...wonder what it's about?" "Let's go watch it." _

_"Watch what?" Everybody froze, and then slowly turned around, with expressions of a little kid looking like they got caught with his hand in the cookie jar._

_Voldie was standing there in his ever present darkness. "We found a video tape in our food bag." "Well, Dolohiv put it in the VCR in the living room and we'll watch it." Dolohov immediately scrambled to the living room, everyone else following him._

_(Break)_

_After everyone was settled into their comfortable spots, they started it. It played the scene from several days ago. Several DE's got cursed for laughing again, while Voldy-Man fumed in rage._

_After the movie ended, words played across the tv screen._

_**This has been a special broadcast brought to you by the ever wonderful Boy-Who-Lived-To-Kill-Lord-Poptart's-Rep. Have a good day. **_

_It then showed Harry's pic on the tv with a cheshire cat grin on his face. And that was when Snape lost it and started laughing loudly. And Dumbledore wondered that day why Snape came in from the DE Meeting with several bruises on his body and needed several Cruciatius Potions..._

_(Break)_

_Voldemort just hoped that this didn't get out to the Daily Prophet, like everything else had..._

_(Break)_

_(The next morning) _

_Voldy walked into an interesting sight the morning he walked in to the breakfast room for well...breakfast. His Death Crackers were guffawing and pointing at something in the Daily Prophet. Vold got another sense of dread. Voldy violently ripped a paper from one of his Crackers and started to read. _

_He read this headline: _

_**The Dark Lord...Insane?**_

**_ It has been speculated a long time about the Dark Lord's health. He attacks babies, yet can't kill them, is found giving children marshmallows, he changes his name, and finally changes his little catchphrase. I am really starting to wonder if this Dark Lord is really fearsome. Can't he make up his mind on whether or not he wants to kill us or be nice to us? And today we have a recorded video of an incident with the Dark Lord Voldemort and a muggle radio, in which he ran away screaming about something. More then likely the Potter brat again._**

****

_**Should we really fear this man? **And along this question was a picture of Voldemort with an O.O expression complete with the over-exaggerated open-mouthness. _

_Voldemort swore one of these days that he would kill everyone..._


	5. V Man The Lion?

_**Disclaimer: oops...I forgot to put one up for the last chapter...lol...anyway, I dont own anything, blah blah blah...now...TO THE STORY!**_

_**And thanks to Virginia Riddle-Malfoy for the great suggestion! AND thanks to all of my lovely reviewers! **_

_**(Break)**_

_Harry James Potter was having the most glorious day. He had subscribed to the Daily Prophet, and read it about the video tape incident, which he laughed for a good ten minutes over. I mean seriously...that was priceless! Especially the picture! Oh, how he would have loved to be there to see Tommy Boy's face when he watched the ending of the video!_

_Well...he had another idea...and made sure to cross it off his list of **Voldy-Man's Demise Through The Daily Prophet**...(he had changed the name again...don't ask me why...). _

_(Break)_

_Harry Potter grinned to himself in the mirror. He once again looked like the Lord of Dumbass...er...I mean Darkness and smiled...though it looked a little creepy on Snake Faced Bastard's mouth._

_ANYWAY, Harry grinned again as he held up a bag of multi-colored lollipops...ooooh man was V-Man gonna be insulted today! Harry did a short cackle and then apparated into the heart of Diagon Alley...again._

_(Break)_

_Once again the citizens of Diagon Alley screeched in horror and shock as The Dark Lord suddenly appeared with a small bag of colored lollipops. Not magical treats...but MUGGLE sweets...oh dear. Horror because well, it's the Dark Lord...ahhh...scream. And shock, because Lord Poptart-Toaster Strudel was dressed in the lion outfit from Wizard of Oz._

_Harry looked around and spotted someone. He grinned to himself and walked over to the frightened shop owner. "How are you today Mr. Dervish?" Harry grinned to himself when the man started to sweat. "I was wondering something...you wouldn't happen to know where the orphanages are would you?" "O-Orphanages?" "I don't like repeating myself Mr. Dervish...so where are they?" Harry made sure to keep a steely lilt to his already velvety tone of voice...makes people scared more. "N-North s-s-sir..." "Why thank you Mr. Dervish, and for your services here you are." Harry grinned at the surprised look of the shop owner as he disapparated. Voldy-Man would never live this one down...he had just handed Mr. Dervish of Dervish and Banges a muggle lollipop. Harry did a cackle when he landed right in front of St. Mary's Angel Orphanage. _

_He calmly walked...er...strutted toward the gate and calmly opened it and stepped inside. This was where Tom Marvolo Riddle grew up so he decided to visit and put things in...order. Harry grinned evilly as he walked to the desk. The lady looked up, screamed, fainted, hit her head on the desk, and fell to the floor in a heap. Harry winced sympathetically. His Aunt Petuntia once did that to him after hitting him with a frying pan. Accidental Magic. No really. He winced at the memory. He looked at her, shrugged, and walked through to where the children would be._

_(Break)_

_Harry...er...Voldretort found several of the children in the room. He walked in, and waited patiently for them to turn around. None of them did. Harry gnawed on his lower lip. "ALRIGHT YOU LITTLE BRATS LISTEN UP!" That got they're attention. They all jumped and turned around. Many gasped, many fainted, and many shit their pants, respectively of course. "Now...I know what life is like at an orphanage...because you see little ones, I grew up here." Some gasped again. But Vold held up a hand and they instantly quieted. Harry wondered for a brief second if he would be a good Dark Lord, before shaking his head. "Yes, I Lord Voldemort grew up here hated, spit on, kicked, and beat everyday for what I was...so you know what?" Many kids held there breath. What was the scary-lookin man gonna do to them? "Here ya go!" Harry grabbed twenty lollipops and handed them each one. Harry cackled before Disapparating to his home in Little Whinging, Surrey._

_(Break)_

_(The Next Morning)_

_Lord Voldemort snoozed on as a Daily Prophet landed on his coffee table in his personal chamber's. Five minutes later his Snoopy alarm clock began to ring. He slapped a land on the alarm button, shutting it off. He then got up and covered himself in a fluffy pink robe to cover up his red boxers with pink hearts on them...before anybody else saw...he vaguely remembered the time Peter Pettigrew had come in to wake him and saw him like that, he then proceeded to crucio the little rat then obviliated of that little incident. So, he wasn't found out...yet. cackles That was a great day. He never liked that sniffly little rat anyway. But he was a good massager...His attention was diverted when he saw the innocent newspaper, The Daily Prophet just sitting there looking at him with a 'READ ME NOW' expression. _

_The Supreme Lord of Dumbass...er..Darkness warily grabbed the paper...fearing that it would bite him...(hey it could happen), before beginning to read that morning's headline._

**The Dark Lord...Or Should We Say The Lollipop Lord?**

**It has just been discovered recently that the Dark Lord has visited his old orphanage called _St. Mary's Angel Orphanage_. Now, we were wondering why so we asked them. The receptionist wasn't much help. So we asked the kids, and they gave us the most bizzare story. Lord Voldemort was telling them his lifestory and then handed out lollipops...but not any lollipops...MUGGLE lollipops. But not only that, he had a muggle lion suit from the muggle movie: The Wizard of Oz. Is Lord Voldemort going muggle on us?**

**I really think we need a new Dark Lord...how about that Potter Brat? Here's my little advertisement. **

**Hi, my name is Jeff Blatt and I think we need a new Dark Lord to terrorize us. Don't you? If not then vote for Lord Voldemort...but if you do...Vote for either Lucius Malfoy or Harry Potter.**

**Lucius Malfoy---0**

**Harry Potter---1**

**Lord Voldemort---0**

**I'm positively beaming,**

**Jeff Blatt**

**(Break)**

_'Lucius?' Voldy thought and frowned. 'He's trying to become a Dark Lord to usurp my position!' 'I'll teach him!' Voldy did just that. He summoned only Lucius and repeatedly cursed him with crucio after that, he told him he could go as long as he knew his place was that he was Lord Voldemort's minion._

_(Break)_

_Harry Potter grinned and then fell to the floor in laughter, all the while his aunt, uncle, and cousin kept glancing at him all during breakfast wondering what the hell was wrong with him. Harry had a crumbled up Daily Prophet clutched in his hand...oh boy he loved his job!_


	6. Voldy's Dream Or Nightmare?

**Disclaimer: These are extremely annoying, but if it let's me keep my hobby...then I'll be an angsty brat about it for awhile and live.**

**(Break)**

_"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"_

_Twitch._

_"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"_

_Twitch. Twitch._

_"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"_

_Twitch. Twitch. Twitch._

_"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ-ARGHHHH!"_

_Twitch. SNARL. RAWR!_

_And that was Voldemort waking up from a wonderful sleep where he finally killed that damn Potter Brat...plus there was no way Potter was becoming a Dark Lord...over his dead body...wait...wasn't that what the prophecy stated anyway? One of them has to kill the other? Oh damn...and we all know the Darkness ALWAYS loses to the LIGHT..._

_"Son of a bitch!"_


	7. Reasons Why DE's are DE's

**Disclaimer: I own a dog, and three cats. An xbox. Several games and movies. I own myself but no one else. Got it?**

**(Break)**

_Severus Snape has an on-going verbal battle with the rest of the world...Muggle and Wizard alike._

_Peter Pettigrew has a nightmare about cats eating him every night._

_Dolohov has a secret stocking fetish._

_Bellatrix likes to eat mincmeat pies...with coffee._

_Avery has a Muggle Therapist for Alcoholics Anonymous._

_Rodopholous likes Muggle sweets...mainly lemon drops._

_Regulus, before he was killed, liked to annoy Voldiekins by telling him all his world domination ideas would fail...maybe that's why he died?_

_And finally, Voldemort wants a beard like Albus Dumbledore's. His reasoning: You can hide a lot of stuff with a giant goatee like that._


	8. Voldies BAD Day

**Disclaimer: Still not mine. (I'll let you know when.)**

VoldysBadDayVoldysBadDay

Voldemort did not know what to think at that exact moment. A package had arrived earlier, and inside of it was a plushie. Not just any plushie, but a plushie of HIMSELF. He was really starting to wonder if suicide would treat him better. And then Rodolphus Lestrange came in with a hangover and heard the end conversation of Voldie's-Evil Demonic-Plan-To-Kill-The-Brat-Who-Lived. "We're not going to have to fight him, are we? I'm still a little drunk." Rudolf said. Voldie brought his thumb and index finger to the bridge of his nose and pressed inwards slightly. He could feel a migraine coming on.

So he got up and left the room. Then he heard from Snape who was supposed to be working on his potion, but who was mingling in the Lounge, mutter: Voldemort is coming--Everybody look busy. Ol' Voldiekins wondered idly if he could find another Potions Master to do his will.

And then when they had another Death Eater meeting, somebody said: "Oh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn." Voldemort immediately found the culprit and gave him a nice dose of stfu with an avada kedavra.

"WHAT IS THIS! NATIONAL ANNOY VOLDEMORT DAY! DID I NOT GET A MEMO!" He roared and several (rather stupid) DE's chuckled. They got crucio'ed because eh, well...he needs all the people he can get on his side.

Then somebody said (coughAverycough): "What's a memo?" "Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?" Voldemort SNEERED. Yes, he sneered. Snape snorted. "But, calling this guy an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people." Aww, only Snape can get away with a snarky comment like that.

(The Next Day)

Voldie was rather surprised when a Daily Prophet came the next morning. As far as he knew, nothing of last night got out to the public...unless one of his DE's ratted him out...traitorous little...

**Lord Voldemort...Gay?**

**It has come to my attention that some people speculate on the Dark Lord's sexual nature. Is he hetero, bi, or just gay? We couldn't find him, so we asked one of his closest Death Eaters, Lucius Malfoy.**

**"Do you think The Dark Lord is gay Mr. Malfoy?" "Yes, I do believe he is." "Why is that?" "Because he struts in and out of rooms, shrieks liek a girl, and throws things when he doesn't get his way." "Sounds like Draco..." "What?" "Nothing." "No seriously, what did you say?" "I didn't say anything." "Yes, you did! You muttered something! What was it!" "...Nothing." "ARGH! DIE MUGGLE!" "BUT I'M PUREBLOOD!" "...Oh. Okay then...now tell me what you said." "FINE! I SAID YOUR SON IS LIKE VOLDEMORT! HE THROWS A TANTRUM WHEN HE DOESN"T GET HIS---" "Crucio." "ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH---" I'm sorry but it seems that we have lost one of your reporters to Lucius Malfoy.**

**Jeff Blatt**

**P.S. Give thanks that Rita Skeeter is dead. Ah-men.**

The only good thing about that article was the fact that Lucius killed Rita.


End file.
